What do husbands do when both kids are asleep and the wife is away....they do many things, few of which include hijacking their wives blogs.
So why am I here? Well apart from being a little sleep derived, and perhaps just a little crazy, I am taking the opportunity to remind Rachael (publicly) how much I appreciate everything she does, and what a great mother she is. As she is certainly not one to blow her own trumpet, I am here to do it for her (because, as you may know, blowing ones own trumpet is something that comes naturally to me).
In the true spirit of 'geekdom', and because I have only limited time before one of the kids wakes up, or Rachael walks in the door and bust me for the hijacker that I am, my description is written in 'abstract' format. For the non initiated (and why would you be?), an 'abstract' is the short piece that appears at the beginning of science journal articles. Its purpose is to provide an overview of the study, which for the my purposes here today, will be a short study of the behavior of Rachael. If I were to attempt to publish this article, then it would surely be published in the journal: Proceedings of the husbands who wish to build enough browny points to attend a boys ski trip in February. The title of my article is as follows:
ON THE BEHAVIOUR OF MUMS: A SHORT STUDY ON THE TROJAN LIKE EFFORTS OF RACHAEL, A HEROIC STAY-AT-HOME MUM OF WESTERN AUSTRALIA
ABSTRACT
The behaviour of one subject, Rachael, a mother of two residing in the northern suburbs of Perth, Western Australia, was investigated over a 24 hr period. Methods were developed using 'big brother' technology, such that the behaviour of the subject was monitored in her home, and at locations visited during the study period. For added scientific rigor, the subjects heart rate and tolerance limits were also monitored.
The subjects day began at 0130 hrs when child #2 awoke for feeding. Husband was observed to climb out of bed and retrieve the child, but was then observed to go straight back to sleep. The subject then fed the child for the next thirty minutes, battling like crazy not to fall sleep, thus risking dropping child #2 . At the completion of feeding, the subject then paced the hallway for approximately 1 hr, before child #2 returned to sleep. Child # 2 was then placed in bed only to wake again and proceed to stay awake for another 30 min. Subject attempts to calm the child by rocking the bassinet. In somewhat curious behaviour, the husband remained asleep for the entire period. Heart rate steadily climbing.
At 530 hrs, Child number 2 awakes for further feeding. As before, the husband observed to climb out of bed and retrieve child. He then proceeds to tap the subject on the shoulder as she is still tired from previous feeds and the cumulative effect of three months of similar experiences. Husband cannot understand why subject is tired and goes back to sleep. Subjects heart rate increases further. Subject then proceeds to feed for 1 hr min before placing Child # 2 back in bassinet. Alarm goes off, husband wakes refreshed. At about the same time, Child #1 calls out to the subject via the wireless monitor, positioned next to the subjects head. Husband calls from shower for subject to retrieve Child #2. Child #2 is in a bad mood, as he is experiencing pain from his teeth pushing slowly through his gums. Child #2 is placed in high chair and fed a diet of Weet Bix TM and pureed apples. The subject is given a quick lesson in Newton's first law: 'The velocity of a body remains constant unless the body is acted upon by an external force' as Child #1's breakfast bowl is hurled at the floor. Husband emerges from shower with Child #2 under his arm. He asks the subject to hold Child #2 as he must now get ready for work. He brushes his teeth and leaves the house. The subjects heart rate tops 100 beats per minute.
915 hrs: The subject prepares snacks for Child # 1 and 2, before relaying one Child at a time to the car. Child #2, who is still ill-tempered, refuses to sit in car seat and proceeds to tantrum. Child #1 also begins crying loudly. Heart rate increases to 150 beats per minute, while tolerance plummets. The car leaves the premises rapidly, as the subject knows that the probability of sleep and erratic driving a positively correlated (i.e. he tends to sleep while the car is in motion). Child # 2 continues to scream, but drops off to sleep quickly. The subject drives very slowly while approaching traffic lights as she must not stop the car for fear of waking Child #2. Subject is clearly stressed. The subject and children arrive at the park, where Child #1 proceeds to play. Play time is accompanied by pangs of anxiety as Child #1 expects to be escorted around the playground, with no further distance than 1 m between the him and the subject. Meanwhile Child #2 requires further feeding, so play time must stop. Child #1 eats his snacks.
1200 hrs: The subject and Children return home for Child #1's afternoon sleep. Luckily Child #1 goes down quickly leaving the subject some time alone with Child #2. This is some relief to the subject as Child #1 normally sleeps for 3 hrs. It is now time for Child #2 to rest. Child #2, still wired from the park, refuses to go to sleep and has a gastric troubles (i.e. burps and farts) leading to general restlessness. The subject, who is now very tired, attempts to eat some lunch. Child #2 finally asleep
30 mins later, Child #2 and Child #1 wake simultaneously. Subject multitasks brilliantly, breastfeeding Child #2 while changing and dressing Child #1. This clearly requires great strength and co-ordination. Child #1 has produced an abnormally large volume of faeces, which have breached the nappy. Subjects heart rate tops 200 beats per minute. Child #1 not helping by investigating said faeces with left hand and tossing on wall.
1400 hrs: Subject and children go to supermarket to retrieve meals for that evening. Child #2 sleeps in pram while Child #1 walks (as evidently being in the pram is boring). Child #1 proceeds to pull everything of the supermarket shelf and place in trolley, or alternatively throw it on the floor. Child #2 wakes for yet another feed. Child #1, who is beside himself from an abnormally short afternoon sleep, throws another tantrum. Sobbing and general ill-tempered behaviour continues for several hours. Subject is tired, but maintains her love and affection for Children, while continuing to teach valuable life lessons and set robust boundaries. Husband would be impressed.
1745 hrs: Husband returns home and asks how subject's day was. Husband buoyant after spending day associating with adults and having adult conversations. Husband wonders why subject seems slightly frustrated and tired. Subject continues to wrestle with Child #1 who is placed in his high chair with his evening meal. Subject and husband given lesson in Newton's second law: The acceleration a of a body is parallel and directly proportional to the net force F and inversely proportional to the mass m, i.e., F = ma, as the heavy ceramic plate is hurled rapidly at the wall. A tantrum ensues. Heart rate exceeds the maximum rate recordable .
1900 hrs: Child #1 is placed in bed. Child #2 is bathed and fed before also being placed in bassinet. Husband and subject eat left over backed beans from the tin, as neither can be arsed cooking anything healthy. Both fall asleep.
The findings of the study suggest that the subject is regularly stressed, with heart rates exceeding the recommended healthy threshold. Despite this, the subject displays amazing courage and tolerance as she faces one challenge after another. Further work is required to determine how the subject summons the super human strength to get through each day. The findings of this work may directly benefit men, most of whom struggle with one task, let alone multiple tasks (and while under pressure). Husband although seemingly useless in comparison, clearly loves the subject very much, even though he may not always express it all the time.
